Forgiveness and Relationships
Heavenly father, as we open your word this morning, I pray that you would help us to be listeners and receivers of your word for us. Lord, I pray that this word is timely for us. I know that it is timely for all of us, that it would remind us, that it would call us forward, that it would move us closer to you, and ultimately closer to one another. Lord, I ask that your spirit would be at work in each of our hearts to apply and create understanding. Lord, I pray that you would bless the preparation that pastor Cameron has put into the message this week, that you would be filling him with your holy spirit, and that you would be his divine editor, and that you would provide clarity.
Speaker 1:In Jesus name, we pray all of these things for your glory. Amen.
Speaker 2:Amen. Morning, Conduit. How are you? We're gonna jump right in this morning. As pastor Luke said, this is our 3rd message in a series on forgiveness.
Speaker 2:If you have, missed the previous two messages, you can always find them on our YouTube channel, or they're linked on our Facebook page. The content for the messages is there. But wanted to start by maybe giving, like, a a a brief synopsis of where we've been so far because everything kind of builds, builds on what we've talked about, in the messages already. When we talk about forgiveness, there are a couple of different dimensions that we need to consider. Because there is the forgiveness that we experience from God ourselves.
Speaker 2:And there is forgiveness that we thank you. There is forgiveness that we experience in relationship with one another. And so where do we even start in talking about it? Well, the first place that we must start any conversation about forgiveness is understanding, that even in our relationships with others, that forgiveness has been made possible for us through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, that there is no forgiveness that is possible. There is no forgiveness between us and God.
Speaker 2:There is no forgiveness between us and others without first the forgiveness that has been made possible or offered to us as a gift of God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. But like any other gift that exists and that is, like the the gift is meant to be received. Right? God makes God makes available the gift of forgiveness, but it does not come, apart from our reception of it. The question there then being is, well, like, how do you accept a gift like forgiveness?
Speaker 2:And, scripture is clear. We talked about this a little bit last week and the week before as well. That we receive forgiveness. That the forgiveness of God is applied to our lives. It is offered to us universally in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
Speaker 2:But then it is applied to our lives when we confess our sin, when we repent of our sin, and we receive the forgiveness of God. In in the epistle from 1st John chapter 1 verse 8 through 10, I think it says that, if we say that we are without sin, we lie and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sin, he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Right? So that that forgiveness comes as a forgiveness comes from the Lord in the act of confession of our own sin.
Speaker 2:And in acts chapter 2 verse 38, in Peter's kind of famous sermon there at the beginning of the book of acts, he says to repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins so that you may be filled with the holy spirit. Right? That that that forgiveness is applied to our lives after it's made available through what Jesus did on the cross. It then becomes applied to our lives as we confess our sin and we repent or turn away from our sin. It requires that we do something.
Speaker 2:It requires that we respond to the gift. And once we have responded to that gift, it says, how, like, how does God see us or relate to us in light of the forgiveness of the sin that we have that we have experienced through, faith in Jesus? Says in, many places we talked this again, this is all kind of review that that God when we when we are forgiven of our sin, that God removes our sins from us as far as the East is from The West. Psalm chapter 103 verse 12 that in the forgiveness of God, when we receive the forgiveness of God, that he he does not revisit our sins upon us day after day after day. God is not a reluctant forgiver, kind of hemming and hawing about whether or not he's gonna forgive us this time.
Speaker 2:Not no. Like, when God forgives us of our sins, when forgiveness has been granted us through our confession and repentance, then our sins are removed from us as far as the east is from the west, the psalmist says. The prophet Micah says that God tramples our iniquities underfoot and remembers them no more. That in in God's view and in the light of God's forgiveness, it is as if our sins no longer even existed. He does not bring them up to us.
Speaker 2:He does not bring them up to others. He does not hold them over our head that when we have been forgiven, we have been forgiven. And in such and and in light of such great forgiveness, in light of the tremendous gift of God to separate us from our sins as far as the east is from the west, Jesus calls us to forgive others. That is the tremendous forgiveness of God that exists in our lives that empowers and enables us to move from the vertical dimension of forgiveness where forgiveness is offered to us as a gift of faith through Jesus Christ, but then goes out through us in our relationship to others. That first, in order to forgive others, we must be forgiven of the Lord.
Speaker 2:But it is then in that forgiveness that we are empowered supernaturally, miraculously to forgive others around us. This is all what we talked about last week. Probably most significant in the dynamic of forgiveness being vertical and then being horizontal to us is the relationship between the magnitude of God's forgiveness of us and the magnitude of our forgiveness of others. Jesus talks in many spots in the gospels. We looked at a few of them last week about how God's forgiveness of us is measured in the same capacity as our forgiveness of others.
Speaker 2:This is, in a way, what we often, the the kind of struggle that we experience in our relationship with others who have hurt or harmed us and our relationship with the Lord. We are we we desire significant forgiveness from the Lord for the ways in which we have sinned, the ways in which we have done harm to hit to his holiness and to others. And we ask the Lord for forgiveness and we receive it. And then like the parable of the unmerciful servant that we talked about last week, Matthew chapter 18, we go then and in our obstinacy, withhold the same level of forgiveness from others. So what Jesus says is like, the Lord is not down with that plan.
Speaker 2:That the measure in which we are forgiven is the same as the measure in which we forgive others. Jesus said, for if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. This is right after the, Lord's Prayer in Matthew chapter 6. So Lord's prayer in Matthew chapter 6.
Speaker 2:Of course, the whole parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew chapter 18 21 through 35 is this exact story, is this exact example, that the measure of our forgiveness from the Lord is equal in capacity to our willingness, to forgive others. Finally, one of the mo one of the more foundational things that we've been talking about over the last 3 weeks is what it takes to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. It's a choice that we make based on our identity as forgiven people. Forgiveness is not primarily a feeling that we feel.
Speaker 2:We have been forgiven. Because we have been forgiven, our identity has been changed. We are no longer orphans. We have been adopted as sons and daughters of God. Our identity has changed and we now live and breathe and relate out of our identity, not out of our feelings.
Speaker 2:If we wait all the time in life to act on something when we feel like acting on something, we will virtually never move especially when it comes to forgiveness. Right? I will forgive that person when I feel forgiving towards them. It ain't happening. Right?
Speaker 2:Very rarely do we forgive out of our feelings because we've been hurt in significant ways. We don't feel forgiving at all. We feel hurt. We feel betrayed. We feel abandoned.
Speaker 2:We feel angry. We feel destroyed. And many times we are. And so how do we break free from those very heavy, difficult feelings? We make instead of we make intentional decisions based on who we are internally, who the Lord has made us to be.
Speaker 2:And we watch that when we make decisions based on our identity, the action of doing that thing creates the feelings that we wish we had. The Lord changes our hearts. The lord actually changes who we are, changes our feelings as we act out of an identity as a forgiven person. Now, this week, we're gonna kind of address this this this topic, that we sort of touched last week a little in in some ways. Last week, we were talking about the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew chapter 18.
Speaker 2:And at the beginning of that parable, the parable starts or a parable is a story, exists in the gospels. Jesus tells a lot of parables. And what a parable was meant to do was to just create kind of like this word, kind of like it's a story that helped to define or display, deeper spiritual points. Right. So Jesus would tell a story, and it was meant to kind of highlight a spiritual reality that he wanted them and hoped that they would understand through the telling of story.
Speaker 2:And Peter, one of Jesus' disciples, kind of like the most impetuous of all the disciples, comes to Jesus. And he says to him, comes to Jesus and he says to him, hey, Jesus, how many times do I have to forgive someone who has hurt me? How many times? Should I do it, like, 7 times? And what was the point that Peter was getting to here?
Speaker 2:The point was I I mean, I I don't know. I'm gonna ask him in heaven someday. But I was like, hey. I'm gonna be like, hey, Peter. Let me guess.
Speaker 2:Someone had hurt you 8 times, and you were wondering if you could get Jesus blessing to not forgive them that 8th time. Is that true? Because what it sounds like to me and how it reads is that Peter was searching for a rationalization to end forgiveness at 7 times. Like, he's done it to me 7 times. He said it 7 times.
Speaker 2:He's been through it. Like, there's got to be a point, Lord, where I can be done forgiving this person. It keeps hurting me, and it keeps hurting me, and it keeps hurting me, and it keeps hurting me. Finding a rationalization for why forgiveness no longer has to be a thing that I do. And what Jesus said is like, Peter, I say not 7 times do I want you to forgive your brother.
Speaker 2:But some of your versions say 77 times or 7 times 7 times. Or basically, like, listen. There is no limit to the measure of forgiveness that you would give or should give. Unless we, you know, kind of get on Peter's case about trying to find or weasel a way out of forgiveness. Right?
Speaker 2:We have all kinds of clever ways that we rationalize holding onto the things that people have done to us so that we don't have to forgive them. The thing is just too big. There's no way because of the magnitude of what's been done to me that I could forgive them for that. I or or, like, I'm just gonna give it time. Time will heal all wounds.
Speaker 2:Right? Well, you know, actually, the only thing that time does to a wound is make it be infected. Right? And brings death. Right?
Speaker 2:So time doesn't heal things. The we say it's too big. Or we say something like and this is kinda where we're gonna spend a little bit of our time today. I I will say you know what? I will forgive that person when they say that they're sorry.
Speaker 2:I'll forgive them when they say they're sorry. I don't know if you've ever met a person before. The likelihood of them saying they're sorry is low. The the likelihood there I mean, we wanna be the people that recognize when we have hurt someone, recognize when we have sinned against someone, and without any without without any we we go on our own and we say, you know what? I recognize that what I've said or what I did there in that time at that moment was really hurtful to you, and I'm so sorry for that.
Speaker 2:I'm committing to not do that again. Please forgive me. We wanna be those people. But we all also understand how that does it doesn't always happen like that. And the sorry never comes.
Speaker 2:And so the question then is, are you willing to simply hold on to the unforgiveness? In some cases, in perpetuity, waiting for the imaginary sorry that would come. Just holding the burden, holding the pain, holding the injury. Because for some reason, in some way, it feels like I have control over this moment or over these words of hurt if I hold unforgiveness. But what is also happening is it's creating bitterness in your life.
Speaker 2:And that bitterness is spilling over into other relationships. And it's messing with your mind, and it's messing with your heart, and it's messing with your soul. And it's especially messing with the forgiveness that you receive from the Lord. And so we live in perpetual bondage both to our own sin and hurt as well as to the ways in which we've been sinned against and hurt when we hold on to our sin rather than surrendering it to the lord in the process of forgiveness. Some of us have had people in our lives that have done very, very hurtful things to us.
Speaker 2:Maybe, possibly, probably likely, we have had people in our lives who have hurt us over and over and over and over and over again. And we may be internally even asking the question, do I have to forgive this person? And then we run through this conversation where we then kind of wonder what our forgiveness of this person has to do with our ongoing relationship with them. This person's in my life, and they've hurt me many, many times. If I forgive them, how does that affect my relationship with them?
Speaker 2:Does my relationship stay the same? Does my relationship with them change? How is it different? And if is if it is different, how so? If I forgive this person, does it necessitate that I reconcile and restore relationship with this person?
Speaker 2:Or is there wisdom, even biblical wisdom to say that boundaries are sometimes helpful and appropriate? And the reality is is that some of us have been hurt even by people in our lives that we literally cannot be in relationship with. Maybe that person has moved away, and we are not in relationship with them, at least in significant relationship with them anymore. Maybe maybe that person has passed away. Many of us have significant hurts that we are holding on to that have been caused to us by people who have died.
Speaker 2:And so what does our forgiveness of them mean in the context of relationship? Or what does that mean for the idea of forgiveness and reconciliation? Are they related even? What I will say in the midst of all of these things again as maybe a general statement or a broad statement, is this, a few things. Number 1 is that forgiveness is the pathway to freedom from even the most significant and hurtful things that have been done to us.
Speaker 2:That forgiveness is the pathway to freedom from even the most significant and hurtful things that have been done to us. We're gonna talk a little bit here in a few minutes about how forgiveness is not minimizing the immensity of some of the things that have been done to us because some of the things that have been done are significant. So it's not minimizing what has been done, but it's surrendering what has been done and reframing it in light of the gospel and God's both willingness and ability to redeem even the most painful things in our lives for his glory and our good. But we must be willing to let go of the pain, surrendering it to him through the supernatural power of forgiveness so that we can live free from the chains of bitterness and anger. Remember that forgiveness we talked about this last week.
Speaker 2:Forgiveness is both is is supernatural first. Is that we need the supernatural miracle working power of God to help us forgive people for the hurts that they have caused in our lives that have been immense. Because because forgiveness in especially in those types of times is impossible under our own strength or in our own strength. And so we need the supernatural miracle working power of God to move us to a place of being able to decide to forgive even when the deck the deck is stacked stacked against us. But it is also forgiveness is supernatural, but it is also a decision.
Speaker 2:And we must make a decision to forgive even when we feel it to be impossible in our flesh. The decision is an act of faith. The decision is I'm gonna partner with God in the miracle working power of forgiveness and that partnering is faith. And number 2, forgiveness has a vertical dimension. How we process forgiveness with God and a horizontal dimension.
Speaker 2:How we process forgiveness with other people. And when we are unable to process forgiveness on a horizontal dimension, the grace of God allows us to address forgiveness in the vertical dimension. Meaning, when someone, for whatever reason, is not physically present in our lives but has caused significant hurt, forgiveness can still be achieved through the life of prayer with the Lord. The Lord still makes a path way for us to experience the freedom of forgiveness even if we can't be with that person or engaged in relationship with that person. So the question of, well, can I, should I pursue forgiveness even if I can't be in someone's physical presence?
Speaker 2:The answer is that we can, And we could and we should pursue forgiveness when we can't be in someone's physical presence. Now, what in the world does that even look like? Because we have an we have an idea of forgiveness being purely something that's articulated to another person. I forgive you. But Jesus even gives us an example of how forgiveness is pursued in the life of prayer separate from our communication of that forgiveness with the person.
Speaker 2:In Mark chapter 11 verse 25, Jesus says these words. He says, and when you stand praying, so you're in prayer relationship with the Lord. You're pursuing your relationship with God. You're praying, right? Conviction of the Holy Spirit comes upon you presumably, right?
Speaker 2:When you stand praying to the Lord, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them so that your father in heaven may forgive your sins. Now, there's a lot here in this verse. First off, it's going to tell us that forgiveness can be pursued simply in prayer relationship with the Lord. That's that is the magnitude of the sin that is, that is forgiven, right? If you standing there and have anything against anyone, anything against anyone, forgive them.
Speaker 2:Right? What's the third implication of this, passage here? So that your father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Again, there we see the connection that Jesus makes between our willingness to forgive anyone of anything, whether they are in our physical presence or not, with his forgiveness of us. That it's like the doorway.
Speaker 2:Our forgiveness of others becomes the doorway for God's forgiveness of us, if we read the sentence like that. But what is clear here is you get the picture of a person who's standing in prayer with the lord. Lord, thank you for all that you've given to me. Thank you for providing for my life. Thank you for healing me.
Speaker 2:Thank you for oh, wait. What? Oh, yeah. That person. They did that thing to me.
Speaker 2:And I'm hurt, and I'm angry. It's not fair. It's not okay. I lord, would you lord, I forgive that person for the way for what they said. I forgive them, lord, for what they have done.
Speaker 2:I forgive them for how they acted or how they didn't act. I forgive them for x. I forgive them for y. I forgive them. Now it's really clear here that this person is not in the physical you know, you're just standing there.
Speaker 2:You're in prayer. The Lord, like, impresses this upon your life. And then immediately in that in that moment, you have an opportunity to pursue forgiveness in the vertical relationship of prayer that you have with the Lord. Apart from articulating it to them, we never get any sense here where Jesus is like, and then what I want you to do is go and tell that person that you have forgiven them. But this is in isolation to other people.
Speaker 2:Now for a multitude of reasons, forgiveness cannot always be articulated to someone else. Can't be artic sometimes the the people that have hurt us are no longer living. Articulation of our forgiveness of them to them is literally impossible. And so we take an approach like Jesus recommended here in Mark chapter 11, where we have an opportunity to seek forgiveness or grant forgiveness of them as a miracle, freeing us from the burden of pain as we make a decision to forgive them in prayer. Or I forgive them for what they did to me when they were here.
Speaker 2:Please tell me to walk through the process of forgiveness. Sometimes, the relationship that we have had with someone was so painful, so hurtful, so toxic or abusive that we may place ourselves in physical, emotional, or mental danger by engaging with them in relationship any further. However, this separation of physicality and boundary setting should never preclude or prevent us from pursuing forgiveness of them in prayer with the Lord. Forgiveness is not minimizing what was done to us. It was not it's not minimizing the extraordinary pain that was caused.
Speaker 2:What forgiveness is is it's a releasing of its effects to the Lord. Trusting that the forgive the act of forgiveness even in prayer is the ongoing healing salve of God's work to take what was done or said in evil and turning it for your good and God's glory. And so when we have been hurt in significant ways and it is not healthy or safe for us to any longer be in relationship with that person for whatever reason. We do not get a spiritual pass on saying, well, since there's danger over here, I don't have to forgive them because I could never tell them that I've forgiven them. I could never articulate that forgiveness.
Speaker 2:And if we but if we use the example from Mark chapter 11 in the words of Jesus, we have opportunity to access the father in heaven to say, Lord, I forgive them for what they have done. Create in me a spirit and posture of forgiveness as you free me from the burden of the pain that they have caused. Now, sometimes we can be in someone's physical presence. They've hurt us. Right?
Speaker 2:But being in continued relationship with them does not really necessarily pose a physical or mental or emotional or spiritual danger to us. But they have 0 awareness of or willingness to take any responsibility for the hurt that they have caused in our lives. We have been hurt deeply. And we have learned in relationship with them that saying anything about that hurt just ends up hurting more. Because they're not willing to recognize that what they have done has been hurtful.
Speaker 2:Some cases, they're not it's not even just a willing it's not an unwillingness to recognize it. It's an inability to recognize it because of the spiritual hardness of their heart. They have not surrendered their lives to Jesus. They do not have the presence of the Holy Spirit in them. And so they do not hear the convicting word of the spirit to repent and confess their sins.
Speaker 2:But we continue to live in relationship with them. And so we're at the point as followers of Jesus of saying, how do I unburden myself from the hurt that's been caused, but still live in relationship with someone who is unwilling to recognize the hurt that they have caused? What do I do? How do I proceed? How do I begin to address this?
Speaker 2:Well, here's what we're going to here's how we're going to handle this. Okay. We're going to talk about because the complexity of human relationship is so complex. Right? And that, honestly, the responsibility and obligation that you and I have to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ is different than the responsibility that we have in relationship with someone who is not a follower of Jesus Christ.
Speaker 2:We have more responsibility. We have more obligation. We have higher standards for the nature of our relationships. Right? It requires difficult work.
Speaker 2:It requires us to articulate the hurt that has been done to us so that we can create an environment of healing and forgiveness. Also, understanding that there are situations where we can articulate that we have been hurt to someone and they can just be like, ah, yeah. Whatever. And what what then do we do with that? How do we process through that?
Speaker 2:What is the next step? Now I'll tell you this. The the first step in any of this is that a conversation needs to be had with a person that's hurt you. That there needs to be the honesty of the conversation that you're gonna need to approach them. You're gonna need to say some things.
Speaker 2:K? But before that happens, I wanna be really, really clear about this. We should not go to someone who has hurt or offended us if we have not already forgiven them in our hearts. We need we we need to pursue the mark 11:25 understanding of forgiveness where we have in prayer in, like, praying to the lord. Lord, I forgive them for what they have done for me.
Speaker 2:Cleanse my heart from all anger and bitterness. Help me to live in the freedom of being unburdened by this hurt. Lord, I forgive them. Lord, I forgive them. Lord, I forgive them.
Speaker 2:Okay. Now my heart is changed. Right? My feelings have caught up with my identity as a forgiven person. Now it's the moment where I go to this person to have the conversation.
Speaker 2:K? Do not If you go to that person still in a spirit of unforgiveness, where you're saying to yourself, I'm going in unforgiveness. And if they say they're sorry, then my then my spirit is gonna change to one of forgiveness. You know what's gonna happen? Right?
Speaker 2:Is you're gonna go in a spirit of unforgiveness, and the toxicity of your unforgiveness is gonna spill out over them as you share all of the hurtful things that they've done. And they, like any human being, is gonna be like, come at me. Right? Let's go. And they're gonna defend themselves, and they're gonna normalize what they've done.
Speaker 2:They're gonna rationalize what they've done. They're gonna generalize what they've done. And there's gonna be no there's gonna be no progress. In fact, you're gonna create likely more hurt, more tension, more sin between you 2. If you go in a spirit of unforgiveness that will only base that will only change based on their response, You actively create an environment of hostility and not one of peace, humility, and desire to reconcile.
Speaker 2:You have to get your heart right in prayer with the Lord before you even think about going over here to have this conversation. Because listen, no matter how they react or respond, no matter how they react and respond, I'm walking away in freedom. They can curse me out. They can hurt me even more. They can say, you're a baby.
Speaker 2:I didn't hurt you. Stop your whining and crying. It wasn't that bad. You deserved it. X, y, or z.
Speaker 2:It matters not how they respond because I have already dealt with that with the Lord. I have forgiven them. I'm not going to them to see if I'm gonna forgive. I'm going in them. I'm going to them with the hopes that the heart of the Lord for reconciliation can be achieved.
Speaker 2:But also understanding that reconciliation and restoration takes 2 people and mutual repentance. And if this person is not playing the game, I'm still walking away in freedom knowing that I have done the vertical work of forgiveness with them, with the lord. So how do we approach situations like this? Well, number 1 step number 1, have you told that person that they have hurt you? Now, I said last week, I know that the Holy Spirit has someone here and here for you right now that you know has hurt you and that you're holding on forgiveness in or that you're there's this, like, still this bitterness that has been growing over what's been done, over what they've said, over what they've done.
Speaker 2:Right? And and, like, so think about these questions in lieu of that. Have you told them that they have hurt you? This is usually the most difficult thing right here. Because what what we say is, well, they should know.
Speaker 2:Why do I have to say something? They should know that they've hurt me. Remember from the parable of the unmerciful servant last last week. Those who have hurt us rarely accurately measure the depth of the offense. Rarely.
Speaker 2:The servant in the parable had no idea how deep he was in to the king. So I'll be patient with you. Be patient with me. I'll pay back everything I owe. Not knowing that he literally owed the king $7,200,000,000.
Speaker 2:Right? It was an unpayable debt. He did not accurately measure the amount of debt that he had in his relationship with the king. And people very, very, very rarely accurately measure the debt that has been caused in us when they do something to hurt us. And so saying something like, well, they should know is a way that keeps us in this cycle of paralyze paralyzation of bitterness.
Speaker 2:They should know they should just know. They should just know. I'm not gonna say anything. They'll figure it out. No.
Speaker 2:They won't. Very very unlikely. Unless the holy spirit of God works in their life a miracle. Right? If they haven't said it yet, they're probably not going to.
Speaker 2:And so what is the step? Well, the step is for us to go to them. Hey, you know what you said was really hurtful and really painful. And, and it's been bothering me for a long time. Period.
Speaker 2:Not a, hey. What you said was really hurtful and painful, and why are you such an awful person? And what what you no. What you have done, what you have said, how you have acted has been so incredibly difficult for me and has caused a lot of hurt. Now, here is where we take 2 paths.
Speaker 2:1 goes this way and one goes this way. Right? Because it depends here on who you're talking to. Is this person a follower of Jesus Christ? Well, followers of Jesus Christ don't hurt other people.
Speaker 2:What are you talking about? Right? Yeah. We do. Are they a Christian?
Speaker 2:If they are a Christian, there is. Jesus does tell us how to deal with Christians who have sinned against us. The beginning of Matthew chapter 18 verses 15 through 17, Jesus says this, If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the 2 of you. If he listens to you, you will have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take 1 or 2 others along so that every matter may be established by the testimony of 2 or 3 witnesses.
Speaker 2:If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Now let's talk about this for a second. So if they are a Christian, you you you go they've hurt you. You go and you talk to them privately.
Speaker 2:What you have done, what you have said, how you acted was very painful. It created a lot of hurt in my life. What Jesus says, look. What is the goal? The goal is that they listen and be like, oh my goodness.
Speaker 2:I had no idea. Or or you're right. I did hurt you. I'm so sorry. I take full responsibility.
Speaker 2:Please forgive me. What Jesus says here is like, that's what we want. Right? You go to them and they listen. Great.
Speaker 2:Determine what now becomes of the either the restoration or reconciliation of your of your relationship. But he says also, if they don't listen say they don't listen. Then go and, you know, grab, hey, Stacy. Will you come with me? I gotta talk to so and so.
Speaker 2:I tried to work this out with them. I went to them. I said sorry. They I told them how they hurt me. And I just they they they basically just told me to buzz off.
Speaker 2:Like, I really want to restore this relationship. Can you go with me? Go with them. I can't believe you brought someone else. You would embarrass me like that.
Speaker 2:What is your problem? You're just trying to, like, stir up trouble. Like, I don't know why you're so upset about this. Just leave it alone. Just drop it.
Speaker 2:Just move on. Just get over it. Whatever. Doesn't work. Alright?
Speaker 2:If they refuse to listen to them, tell it to the church. Maybe you grab the elders or you grab your small group. Right? Or you talk to the leadership team. Say, Hey.
Speaker 2:I really wanna restore and reconcile this relationship. I wanna pursue forgiveness. I wanna pursue health. Would you all please go with me and help me to, like, kind of mediate this conversation and, like, show a mutual support for forgiveness and restoration and all of that. You do that.
Speaker 2:And what likely happens if they've been, like, hardened up into that point, they power up even more. Like, heck no. I don't know what you're talking about. This is ridiculous. Whatever.
Speaker 2:And then what Jesus says, like, if you've get gotten to all these steps in trying to pursue reconciliation and restoration and forgiveness with this person who considers themselves to be a follower of Jesus, then you're to treat them as a tax collector or a pagan, which is a really interesting thing for Jesus to say because he treated tax collectors and pagans pretty well. The guy that was actually writing that in Matthew chapter 18 was a tax collector. What does that seem to imply? Well, what it seems to imply to me is that there is not a removal of love. There's not a removal of grace.
Speaker 2:There's not even a removal of mercy. There's certainly not like a disdain now and a hatred for and, wishing that person would be cursed or punished for it. What it is, is there's just a removal of community that you were we no longer I no longer exist in relationship, in Christian community relationship with this person. There's a boundary now that has been drawn, right? Because a pagan and a tax collector is not a part of the body of Christ.
Speaker 2:Not not not a part of not a part of, like, the community of faith, not in life giving relationship with one another through faith in Jesus Christ. And so what Jesus is saying here is like, hey. Look. There comes a point where they they actually choose by their refusal to recognize and repent of their sin to put a boundary of relationship up so that we're no longer we're no longer, like, standing arm in arm with one another. We have been separated by an unwillingness to yield to the work of the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 2:It's a great example of Jesus himself permitting the boundary of relationship when forgiveness and reconciliation is extended and pursued, but it is not possible. Why is it not possible? Well, because reconciliation and restoration requires a willingness of at least one person, both people, to recognize, confess, and repent of their sin. Forgiveness is something that happens, yes, internally. We have gone to them already having forgiven them internally via our relationship with the Lord.
Speaker 2:But then there is some level of external buy in from the other party that allows reconciliation to occur. That external buy in is is their awareness of the hurt that they have caused, and their own pursuit of forgiveness with you. Now sometimes people who have hurt us that are Christians, and we have kind of a model to Matthew chapter 18 to pursue forgiveness and reconciliation with them. But sometimes the people who have hurt us are not Christian at all. This is kinda like step 2 b, I guess.
Speaker 2:You still gotta go and tell them that they have hurt you. But I'm gonna tell you here, this is perhaps even more difficult this is an even more significant assault on our pride when we go to speak with someone who does not know Jesus as their lord and savior to deal with the problem of hurt in our lives. Because it requires us, 1, to already go in a spirit of forgiveness, obviously. Right? But it also requires us to lay down every single right that we have to be right in order to create in that conversation a relationship and an environment where the gospel can be preached to them through our, like, heart and spirit in the midst of what they've done.
Speaker 2:If they are not a Christian, you telling them that they have hurt you is an opportunity to extend an environment of grace. Where the forgiveness that has already been achieved in your heart can be articulated to them as a retelling of the gospel. Because there is the possibility where you go to someone who does not know the Lord, and you say, you have hurt me. And they say, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that.
Speaker 2:And then you get to articulate the foundation of your forgiveness for them. Yeah. Thank you for apologizing. I forgive you. The reason I forgive you is because I have been forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ.
Speaker 2:I have recognized that I have sinned. Right? And I am eager. I am eager to extend the same grace and mercy to others in my life that have hurt me as god extended to me. When we go in a spirit of humility and gentleness and grace having, like, already experienced the forgiveness, the freedom of forgiveness, and we go to someone, we create, we like set it's like setting them up.
Speaker 2:Right? It really is. So I'm going to set the table here. And I am going to be so gentle and so humble and so kind and so full of mercy and grace that when I, when I explain to them how they have hurt me, they are going to wonder how I can be so stinking kind to them in the midst of describing how much I've been hurt. That they're going to ask, like, be like, what is up with this guy?
Speaker 2:And it's going to give me an opportunity to say, oh, man. I have been forgiven of so much. And so I am so eager to forgive. I am so eager to forgive. I am so eager to display mercy.
Speaker 2:We need to pursue forgiveness with those that don't know the Lord in our hearts before they are even aware that they have sinned against us, that they have hurt us. It needs to be almost like a reflex. You know, like when you get your knee hit at the doctor's office and your foot flies out, it needs to be a reflex in our lives that when someone hurts us, we reflexively forgive. So there's not even there's not even an option for us to hold on to bitterness and anger. It's like we are hurt, forgiveness.
Speaker 2:We are hurt, forgiveness. We are you can't get me bitter at you. You can't get me angry at you. I am unoffendable because my reflex is the mercy of God given to me. My reflex is forgiveness to others.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and try. You're forgiven. You didn't even do it yet. I already forgive you. This is biblical.
Speaker 2:It's not even funny. It's it's biblical. Jesus on the cross. Luke chapter 23. Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
Speaker 2:They have no idea what's going on. And Jesus is already like in the midst of what's happening to him. We forgive him already. Forgive we forgive him already. Forgiveness to them already.
Speaker 2:Forgiveness already. Forgiveness can be realized before there is any understanding of the wrong that has been committed. You can be set free from the power of bitterness and anger before they even understand that they've even hurt you. And then we have the joy in the ability to be able to actually articulate our forgiveness of them when they acknowledge what they have did, or done, or said did harm. Now listen.
Speaker 2:I understand that reconciliation and restoration of relationship is complex and difficult. There are powerful stories of reconciliation. I believe that this is because of the power of God to restore broken things. We can't ignore that. Even even Jesus giving permission to set up boundaries within community, right, in Matthew chapter 18 does not negate the reality that our God is a God who restores and reconciles.
Speaker 2:He takes broken relationships and mends them back together. He is capable of healing the most deep of wounds. We shouldn't just automatically conclude that God isn't interested in reconciliation in any case, because it delights him to see enemies reconciled and for peace to reign in relationships. Consider even that God reconciled us to himself through the blood of Jesus Christ. He forgave us of our sins and restored us to relationship with him.
Speaker 2:Now, of course, that required our repentance. It required it required something from us. It wasn't reconciliation and restoration no matter what. It required that we become that we recognize the offense to God's holiness, and then we confess and repent of it. But repentance is the key to any hope for reconciliation in our estranged relationships today.
Speaker 2:Because reconciliation requires both parties to not only recognize, but also confess and repent with sincere hearts, it it requires the commitment to move forward putting behind not just the hurt, but putting behind the conduct that created the hurt to begin with. You can forgive someone fully and work to work to reconcile or restore the relationship. But if they're in a spirit of sincere repentance, they are not committed to putting behind them the conduct that created the offense, then they are then reconciliation cannot happen. And sometimes that's okay. Even the apostle Paul himself had relationship that that was tense, broken, forgiven, but not reconciled.
Speaker 2:I don't know how much you know about it, but but Paul the apostle Paul and Barnabas, his, like, main man in ministry, it says in acts chapter 13 had a sharp disagreement, and they parted ways. So the Apostle Paul was about ready to go on a second missionary journey. And Barnabas, his partner was like, Hey. Let's take John Mark, my cousin John Mark with us. And Paul's like, There is no way at all whatsoever that John's going with us.
Speaker 2:Not happening. You remember how he deserted the apostles back then. Paul brought up something that John Mark did and was like, because of what he did then, he is not joining us here. And it says that they disagreed so sharply about whether or not John Mark should come that they actually split ways that Paul and Barnabas were like, okay, we'll agree to disagree on this, and we'll go our separate ways. And so Paul and and Silas joined together.
Speaker 2:And Barnabas and John Mark went over here. And they did, you know, ministry to the Gentiles. And Paul and Silas over here ministry to the Gentiles. But it is not as if Paul we get the sense that Paul just lived in perpetual disdain for Barnabas and John Mark. In fact, later in in, letters written to first Corinthians chapter 9 verse 16 or verse 6, second Timothy chapter 4 verse 11, Paul spoke very lovingly and positively both about Barnabas and John Mark.
Speaker 2:So it seems clear that there was sharp disagreement in relationship that could not be reconciled, but a posture of love that it was achieved through internal forgiveness of the person. Now, here's the last thing we're gonna get to, because I ran over first service, and I'm running over this service. Shocking I know. You know every single week I say, this one's going to be shorter. This one's going to be shorter.
Speaker 2:This one's going to be shorter. Listen. We, we've talked all about when someone has hurt us, and we must offer forgiveness to them. We have not talked a whole lot about when we are the person that needs forgiveness because we have hurt someone else. But it is no less important when we have done the hurting.
Speaker 2:When we are the ones who have said something, done something, created hurt or injury in someone else's life. How? How are we to respond? How are we to react? What are we to do?
Speaker 2:Well, let's let's imagine that we are we are the person on the receiving end of someone coming in to say, you know, what you did was really it hurt really bad. And you I don't like, I've been in a lot of pain because of it. What do we do in that moment? Right? Number 1.
Speaker 2:Open your ears and close your mouth. When someone comes to you, even if you can tell that they're coming with a little bit of angst and hostility, you don't know, like whether they're Christian or not, same. Same across the board. Right? Open your ears.
Speaker 2:Close your mouth. The tendency when someone comes at us like that is to want to defend ourselves, to rationalize what was done, to say, well, well, I I think I see it differently or actually this happened or that happened. Right? Resist the urge, even if you believe at that point that you've done nothing wrong. And open.
Speaker 2:Close and open. James says in his epistle, James chapter 1 verse 19, that everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. This This is like a life verse that I need tattooed on my arm. K? After we have opened our ears and closed our mouth and the person has said what they needed to say, Take time to inquire with the holy spirit about what they have said.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, we don't need to inquire with the holy spirit. Right? Sometimes, we're like, yeah. You're correct. You don't like, listen.
Speaker 2:If you know that you have sinned, if you know that you have hurt them, don't delay the process of humility by being like, I'm going to pray about that. Like, no. You generally know. Right? Don't say I need to pray about it just so you can formulate how you're going to wiggle your way out of actually humbling yourself before them.
Speaker 2:Instead, right, if there if you're but if you are genuinely unsure, like, oh, man, that was really a complex time and relationship, and I'm not I don't really know that I said that, or I certainly didn't mean that when I said that. It is completely appropriate, right, to say something like, thank you for being honest with me. I need to pray. I need to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal how I have or if I have sinned against you. Can we meet to talk again later?
Speaker 2:Then, also, don't use that excuse as a way to just be, like, avoid them for the next 3 months. Actually, go and ask the Holy Spirit. Lord, would you reveal in my heart if I have sinned against this person? And you know what? The lord is really, really, really eager to answer prayers like that.
Speaker 2:And it happens quick. And if it's been revealed, yes, you need to apologize. You need to ask for forgiveness here. Do not harden your heart to the spirit's voice. Do not ignore that.
Speaker 2:You will you ignore it to your own detriment. You ignore it to the to your own hardness of heart because the spirit does not does not strive with the souls of men forever, the word says. Right? And if you continually, over a long period of time, hear from the holy spirit, but then ignore what he says to do or not listen to his voice, Your heart becomes hardened and your ears become plugged to him speaking. And then we all walk around being like, I wonder why the Lord never talks to me.
Speaker 2:Why don't I hear the Lord? Why don't I hear the Lord? Why can't I hear the Lord? Well, 1, because you're not in his word. And 2, because you've probably developed a pattern in your own life of just not listening to the things that the lord has revealed to you.
Speaker 2:It's not that the lord is not speaking. It's that we've learned to not listen. Okay. So ask the Holy Spirit. He will tell you if it is sin, you need to confess and repent and ask for forgiveness.
Speaker 2:What I did to you was wrong. I accept responsibility. I will not do that again. Please forgive me. K?
Speaker 2:Listen closely. What I did to you was wrong. I accept responsibility. Ownership. Right?
Speaker 2:Confession. I will not do that again. Repentance. Please forgive me. Forgiveness.
Speaker 2:Not I'm sorry that you were hurt. That focuses on who? Them. Yeah. I'm sorry you're so sensitive.
Speaker 2:Right? No. We just we we just accept responsibility for the things that we have done that have created that's created hurt. Approach in humility. Apologize.
Speaker 2:Commit to communicating better in the future. It is more Christ honoring to be gentle and humble than it is to fight viciously for your stance as being correct or right. Paul says in Romans chapter 12 verse 18, if it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all people. Take responsibility. A lot of it depends upon you.
Speaker 2:People very, very, very rarely very, very, very rarely respond with anger and hate and aggressiveness when we approach in gentleness, humility, and repentance. It depends upon you. In as much as it depends upon you, live at peace. This is what I'm gonna end with. Have the worship team come back up now.
Speaker 2:But here's what I'm gonna end with. I you know, we're going to have one more week in this forgiveness series. And, I hesitated to say I thought about saying this, earlier in the week. And I decided I didn't know if I was going to or not. Because listen, I'm, as a pastor, I want you here every single week.
Speaker 2:Right? I I I want you in community. I want you here to listen to the word be preached. I want you here to worship. I want you here to serve.
Speaker 2:I want you here to give. I want you here to be in community with others. And so me saying, hey. Don't come next week if to is not really, like, great for business. But but I'm gonna be honest with you about what next week is gonna be like.
Speaker 2:Okay? So we've been talking a lot about forgiveness, asking the lord to reveal in our hearts maybe the people that we need to offer forgiveness, that we need to forgive, but also maybe some people that we need to ask forgiveness from. It's maybe set a little bit up in a theoretical theological cloud, that it just exists as good knowledge. Right? But listen, we are not going to be just hearers of the word.
Speaker 2:We wanna be doers of the word also. And so, next week, we're gonna be going through some actual exercises, where you're gonna be identifying places where you've been hurt, and people that have been, that have hurt you. And what you need to do in order to pursue forgiveness with them, and be freed from the chains of bitterness. We're gonna talk We're It's We're gonna we're gonna preach. Right?
Speaker 2:But we're we're also not gonna leave it in just some, like, theoretical land. It's gonna require that you actually, like, display the power of the gospel of forgiveness in your life. And it's not necessarily mean that I'm gonna make you get up and come to the front and say you're sorry to someone that you've hurt or whatever in front of everyone, unless you feel so led. But listen. I I'm completely aware that there are people in here who who have probably hurt you, and you're probably holding unforgiveness towards.
Speaker 2:I may be one of them. I may have hurt you. And there is nothing more than I would love to see than a display of the gospel that pursues forgiveness in the community of faith, so that we can be unburdened and free. So we can live apart from bitterness, and anger, and malice, and experience the freedom that God offers to us in forgiveness. And so in similar ways that we've, we've expressed our forgiveness to others in years past when we did series on forgiveness, we may be doing that again.
Speaker 2:Series on forgiveness. We may be doing that again. But I say that kind of tongue in cheek. Now, that if you don't wanna work through if you don't wanna work through your unforgiveness, don't come next week. I know all of you who have vacations planned next week now are, like, wondering if you can not show up and save face.
Speaker 2:Right? But what I'm here to say is that Listen. Look. We need we need to do this stuff as well. This is not helpful as all Not helpful at all as just knowledge.
Speaker 2:Don't let it sit there. Don't let it be just something that you know. Let it be something that you do and that changes your life. Alright? Let's pray.
Speaker 2:Heavenly father, we thank you for the gift of forgiveness in Jesus Christ. We pray lord, you would change us. You would transform us lord. We worship you father because you are good and worthy of all praise. In Jesus name, amen.
