How Forgiveness Actually Works

Automatically transcribed — lightly cleaned for readability. Wording is the preacher’s own.

Well, good morning, everybody. My name is Luke. I'm one of the pastors here at Conduit, and it is my privilege to say welcome home. We always want Conduit to be a place that you can call home, whether you've been walking with Jesus for a long time or you're still figuring out who he is. And so we're all about that, and we're all about expressing and giving the love of God to those around us, to our neighborhood, to our region, and to you who are here in this room today.

Right now we're in the middle of getting ready for Thanksgiving. Now, if you've been here before, you know that every year we give away, no questions asked, full Thanksgiving meals, dinners ready to be given out across the city, across the county, and even down into Pennsylvania, where we give away a turkey, a pie, and all the trimmings, everything that somebody can need to take home and cook a home Thanksgiving meal for themselves. And we think that is important, right? Jesus said that we ought to love those around us, that when we are loving them, we are loving him. And so when we do this each year, it's an opportunity for us to be the light of Christ to our community. And we do this, I think 12 years now or something like that. I wasn't here all that way back, but I know that there were some of you that were. This is the 11th time. All right. So we've been doing this, and so there's a number of different ways that we could talk about this and do this, but I wanted to tell you one of the stories that I got to experience that has kind of stuck with me.

I think this was maybe two years ago. We were... It was kind of towards the end of the Thanksgiving giveaway. And, my wife knew of a family that we wanted to specifically give a meal towards. And we, there was a site that was kind of down to the last few, but there were not very many people showing up and said, well, can we take one of these meals and go give it to a family that we know of? And so we took that meal and we went there and when we got there, the, there was two children and the son and the daughter, one of them, they had just gotten back from walking to their school. They had heard about the Thanksgiving giveaway. They knew that they were going to be giving away turkeys and all of these things. And so the son had said, you know what? I'm going to go to my school. I know that they're giving them away. I'm going to go get them for my family and bring it back. And so he had just gotten back. He had walked all the way

To the school and the school was out. We had already run out at that site. We typically give away about all of our turkeys in about 45 minutes to an hour and a half. And so by the time he had got there, they were already gone. But we were like, hey, buddy, look what we brought for you. And the smile on his face, and I can't remember the exact sentence he said when he got to walk in the door, but he came in and he said, hey, mom, God answered my prayers. Right? So when we talk about this thanksgiving giveaway we could talk about turkeys we can talk about pies which ones are better right But like the real story of this Thanksgiving giveaway is not the food, it's the people. And it's the fact that we're giving an opportunity for them to experience God's love. We're not just giving a Thanksgiving meal away. We're answering some prayers. We're giving them an opportunity to have the dignity to cook a meal for themselves and have that with their family and know that they did this,

That this happened because a bunch of people feel that God loves them so much that we would do this every single year. So this is when we talk about the Thanksgiving giveaway. And one of the reasons we make such a priority about it every year is because of those reasons. So how can you help us? We're in the middle of raising the money in order to fund all of this. So I think I've got a number up here on the next slide. We're raising about, we need to raise about $90, 000 in order to achieve this goal, in order to do this. We've raised $19, 618. I think that's the accurate number as of this morning. And so if you would be willing to help us, I would encourage you to say, Lord, how much are you calling me to give towards this effort? We think about $40 covers one meal for one family. So I would encourage you to take a moment sometime today or even now and just say, Lord, would you impress upon me how much you would have me help contribute to this effort?

The other way that you can help is we have tons of these. You go out into the foyer, there's tons of these on sort of the wooden pegboard out there. And you can take these, give these away to friends, families, put these up at work, give these to people who you know are passionate and interested in helping out with this. And then you can also sign up to serve for the giveaway, right? So you can sign up to serve, help us actually move the turkeys and the pies, right? It's not all about those, but it is not not about those, right? We got to move those around, get those distributed, and hand those out. Like I said, some sites run out in about 45 minutes. You know, that's a lot of turkeys, a lot of Thanksgiving giveaways or meals to give away in a short amount of time. So you can sign up for that on the Church Center app. And if you're interested in giving and contributing to that fund, you can give to that on the Church Center app or just an envelope or whatever

In the silver bucket in the back and just let us know that's for the Thanksgiving giveaway.

That is that. The next thing that I have to tell you is that there are a couple of different things going on and around in our community. We want to remind you that we have both a men's and women's ministry that meet alternating Saturdays for breakfast. So every Saturday we have either a men's breakfast or a women's breakfast happening here at the church. And so this coming Saturday is the men's breakfast. They're going to be meeting and getting together. It's a great time to have breakfast, to encourage one another, to discuss a study that we're doing together. So you don't have to have previously been there, just come and join us. And then the following Saturday, which will be November 7th, the Women's Breakfast is getting together and they're doing a study together as well. And they would love to have you join. You don't need to do anything crazy. Just come here on a Saturday morning. Men's meets at eight o'clock and women's meet at nine and they both last about two hours. So those are happening. The next thing I would let you know is that we have a fall harvest party happening

On October 31st from six to eight here at the church. It's going to be all the things that you expect a fall harvest party to be. Fun, right? Bring a fun costume. I think there is a youth band that has been practicing from among our congregation that's going to come and play. And so that's going to be fun, have a lot of different things going on for that. So we'd love for you, if you know that you're going to come to that, Sign up for that on the Church Center app, open up the app and click on announcements and you can sign up for that there so that we can make sure we have all enough supplies for that. And then I have some great news to tell you today. So we've been doing, going through this process of affirming elders. We've been talking about elders a lot. And so we've been the last several weeks Going through and eliciting feedback From you on your guys' Feedback on John Staley and Eric Clark as being installed as elders. And I can happily say that John and Eric will be affirmed as elders.

Yeah, that's a great thing for us as a congregation, right? To be able to affirm to godly men as willing and able to lead and serve this congregation is a blessing. So what we're going to do is next Sunday, we're going to have sort of a, we'll have Sunday service like we always do, but it'll be kind of a little bit different in that it will be a lot of focus will be on installing them and commissioning them as elders. So I would encourage you to come to that and join us next week as we celebrate that sort of milestone in our church life. And then the very last, but not least of important thing that I have to tell you is that we are going to have a fire drill this afternoon, this evening, today, whenever it is.

I know where I am and what time it is. All right, we're going to have a fire drill after service. So no like sitting on the edge of your seat being like, when's it going to happen? You will know, and you will know what to do. See, we even have a nice fancy diagram that we're going to talk you through, but not right now. That's going to be at the end of service. Pastor Cameron will come up, and we will kind of talk you through that. We have worked with all the kids' volunteers. Everybody knows what they're going to be doing. And so that's just going to be an opportunity for us to practice safety and be good stewards of this building and of our practices. So, all right, I'm not going to talk anymore about that. Pastor Cameron is going to come up and he's going to continue our sermon series. Let's take a moment and let's pray over the preaching of God's word.

Heavenly Father, I ask this morning that you would help us to hear your message today, that we would be responsive to the word that you have laid on Pastor Cameron's heart, and that you would allow Pastor Cameron to hear your Holy Spirit and be responsive to your will. Lord, I pray that today this would not be about worldly wisdom or someone's ideas, but they would be about your will and your love and message for us. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Amen. Good morning, church. How are you this morning? Good.

Well, originally I had told you that this week we were going to be talking about, sex and intimacy within the covenant of marriage.

We are delaying that, putting that on, pressing pause on that particular marriage or that particular message for a few weeks. Primarily because we felt like that there was good response to the message from last week and wanted to take that a little bit further. And so this is going to be forgiveness part two. Then next week, we're going to be talking primarily about leadership within the church,

Courage, the courage that it takes to lead to be a Christian leader and installing Eric and John as elders and so the marriage series will also will pause next week, and then so the following week november I think it'd be november 8th we will pick up the marriage series and, that will either be a message on sex and intimacy or it'll be something else I'm going to surprise you

But this week, I want to come back to some of the things that we talked about last week. Maybe build on them a little bit. Because the reality or the need, to have perspective and, direction and some wisdom when it comes to forgiveness, particularly within our marriages are the like the marriage covenant that we have, is really needed if you remember from last week we covered maybe a few I guess I'd say like general thoughts on forgiveness and the number one the first thing is that We need, you and I, we need supernatural empowerment from the Holy Spirit if we are going to live lives of forgiveness. Meaning we need, thank you, Aldo.

We need the power. It is the power of the Holy Spirit within us that empowers us to forgive. Because as human beings, forgiveness and grace are not natural human characteristics. Like we don't we don't just end up at this place of being a person who is really full of grace and really eager to forgive the typical human being of which you and I are all does not gravitate towards grace it gravitates towards self we gravitate towards selfishness we gravitate towards our own sense of what's been done to us and the justice that is needed or that we need, or what they did and how we are without responsibility, right? We gravitate towards selfishness, And so in order to move to a place of grace and to a place of an eagerness to forgive.

You have to recognize that just gutting it out and trying to get more willpower to forgive and trying to be just, just be better at it is not something that we are equipped to do on our own. We need the presence and the power of the holy spirit within us to move us from a place of sin and hardness of heart to grace and softness of heart, to take out of us a heart of stone and to give us a heart of flesh a heart that is not just wants to forgive but is eager to forgive, like I don't want to just be like oh, I guess I have to forgive which is a is one step in that there there is like a, we're not we're not like discarding the fact that there's going to be moments where, I know I should forgive and I don't want to forgive, but I do anyway as a matter of obedience to the Lord as a response to God's forgiveness in my own heart. But that's a, that's a, like a, maybe a first step. And where,

Where we want to get to is not where we're having to gut out the decision to forgive, even in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. But we are like, you know what? I cannot wait for someone to sin against me so I can forgive them quickly.

My heart is ready. I am prepared. I have received grace and forgiveness and I just cannot wait to give it to someone else.

I'm not there yet. But the Lord, the Lord is, the Lord is doing that in me. I'm not doing it. The Lord is doing it in me. And that's where we want to, that's where we want to be. Right. One of the very first things that we have to like kind of walk through as we are desiring, pursuing to become more forgiving people is, is becoming convinced even ourselves of the grace and forgiveness that we have received in Jesus Christ. Not only just the raw presence of it, but the magnitude to which we have been forgiven. That if we have very little awareness of what was done for us, on our behalf by Jesus for our own sin, the forgiveness offered to us through him, the, the, like the humility and surrender that it takes to, to receive it, then it will become very difficult for us to understand or to like forgive from a place of spiritual health. We'll always only just be forgiving from like this sense of duty and obligation and willpower, which again, there's a, there's a point where that's like maybe a first step,

But if we have not like made the trade like the transfer of the idea of god's forgiveness in our head.

Down into our heart where we understand and receive the forgiveness of jesus in our very like soul then it would be very difficult for us to make decisions to forgive.

So that's really where we want to, that's really what we kind of covered last week and where we want to be, continue to go this week. There are some unique challenges to forgiveness in marriage. We talked a little bit about this, right? It's a little bit different for me to forgive Aldo than it is for me to forgive Sherry.

It's different. And why is it so different? Well, I think it should be fairly obvious, but one of the differences is that we live with these people, right? I don't got to see Aldo's face every day, right? I don't got to share a bed with Aldo, right?

But when you're married to someone and you're like, you like literally can't escape their presence and you're hurt, it becomes difficult to get to a place of even like boundary and space where the Lord has time and presence to work on, like what's been done, how I've been hurt. And so it's, there's a unique challenge of forgiveness within marriage because we are like so close to these people all of the time. And, and those are the people, the people that, that our spouses have the greatest capacity to hurt us.

Like there is no one in this room that loves me more than Sherry, but there is also no one in this room that has the power and the knowledge to be able to injure me, right? And so the capacity to love the most is equal to the capacity to hurt the most. And so that's why when it comes to forgiveness. Sometimes in marriage, we're not just dealing with small insignificant things. We're dealing with someone who loved us the most and in the midst of their love has hurt us the most. And so that becomes, that becomes like the intensity of those feelings and the willingness to work through them or to move through them becomes very difficult sometimes. And I would say the third thing, and we talked about this last week, is that in our marriages, listen, Christians typically vastly underestimate the will of the enemy to destroy your marriage.

Everything, like, what was it? Like one of the main messages or main lessons from the series is that marriage is God's idea. It's not something that we came up with. It's something that God established in the fabric of creation to bring man and woman together for life in a holy union and covenant. And everything that God makes and creates, the enemy wants to kill and destroy.

And sometimes he can do that in big things. And sometimes it's small things over long periods of time, unsurrendered to him,

No initiative taken in small forgivenesses. And we find ourselves at the end of a road of like, how did we get here?

How did we get here? It's because in large part, we underestimate the will of the enemy to destroy what God has created. And so to have an awareness that your marriage has an enemy and their only purpose in your marriage is to destroy it.

Their only purpose in your marriage is to twist it their only purpose in your marriage is to take all of the good things that god wants you to have and steal them and destroy them and kill you.

But the hope is this. It's not even the hope. It's the power, right? The power is this. It's the same in the inverse. God's marriage is God's idea. And so everything that you need, absolutely everything that you need to have a marriage that is fulfilling to you, that is fulfilling to the Lord, that is, that brings joy, that brings pleasure, that brings intimacy, that brings safety, that brings vulnerability. Absolutely everything that is beautiful about marriage is yours in Jesus Christ.

You don't have to even ask for it. God will give it to you by virtue of being a son and daughter. You just have to be attentive to it and maintain it. Not always easy, but always available to you.

Forgiveness is one of those ways that we remain attentive to the gift that God has given to us, so that we do not allow the enemy to twist, destroy, or kill the gift.

There are some very real and true questions that come up when considering a Christian's responsibility to forgive, especially within the context of marriage. And I wanted to talk about them maybe a little bit more this morning because I think it's just, it represents a pastoral response that like, we have to kind of name some of these things. I also don't, I like, I know that there are probably more situations and more questions than, that are in the room and in our relationships that we have time to deal with today. Okay. I'm not intentionally skipping over anything.

But I think that there are a few kind of prevailing questions or points that I want to talk about this morning. The first is this, is that forgiveness at its core, forgiveness is the decision that I make. It's a decision that I make to release someone else from the debt they have created when they injured me. This is like the most basic and foundational definition of forgiveness. Someone has injured me.

They've sinned against me. They've hurt me. They've created harm to me. And that now, now emotionally, mentally, spiritually, now they are in my debt. They owe me something because of what they have done. And I'm going to hold that something over them. Okay. Whether it's I withdraw my presence, I withdraw my affection, I withdraw my intimacy, I withdraw my patience. I would like, they owe me something. They are in debt to me. And so now I am making them pay because of what they have done. Forgiveness is the decision to say, you're not in debt to me.

You have injured me, but you owe me nothing. It's a decision that we make to say, I recognize the sin, I recognize the pain, I recognize the injury, I am counting your debt as paid. Jesus paid it upon the cross. I have received the payment for the debt of my sin, and so I pass on to you the forbearance offered to me in Christ. Unforgiveness in the inverse is like, just like forgiveness is a decision. Unforgiveness is also a decision to regularly return to review and relive that moment of injury.

It's like, well, if I just get enough time, you know, time heals all wounds.

It doesn't. It doesn't. Okay. Time does not heal all wounds. Time without healing makes wounds infected.

And they go deeper into your muscle. Unforgiveness. Can you put that slide back up for me, please, Michael? Unforgiveness then is, thank you, is the decision to regularly return to review and relive the moment of injury. Sometimes we create whole identities in ourselves around the hurt that we have experienced.

And so it becomes a regular practice of ours to return to that hurt and review it and relive it, Because it is so core to who we are that we can't, it's difficult to separate ourselves from it. Unforgiveness is the decision to continue to go back to that, is to continue to return to that hurt.

But forgiveness then, right? Forgiveness ultimately then becomes, if we know what forgiveness is, we know what unforgiveness is.

Forgiveness then becomes a decision that we make, to act out of a place of our identity and not primarily our feelings now we talked about this a little bit last week and I've talked about this a lot in previous years, preaching on forgiveness but I will say this is that, as people who have been forgiven by Jesus.

Our identity has been changed. We are no longer slaves to sin. We have been set free through Christ. We have been adopted as sons and daughters of the Father. We are a forgiven people through the blood of Jesus Christ. We have been forgiven it's not it's it's it's become now who we are, it is our identity forgiven person forgiven by the blood of jesus right and so the way in which we forgive others, even when it is really really really difficult is we forgive people out of or from the place of our identity as a forgiven person, and not primarily from a place of our emotions or feelings. Now, what do I mean by that?

Very often. Like we will say things like, I can't forgive them because I don't feel forgiving towards them,

Right? That our, the decision to forgive is based upon what we're feeling in the moment, what we're feeling towards that person. How many, how many here know that you can't always trust your emotions and feelings? Yeah. I got some emotions and some feelings that would lead me to some really, really bad places. If I just like, oh, well, I'm feeling this way. So that's, I will base the decisions of my life on what I am feeling in the moment. That's a, that's, don't do that. Okay. Don't do that.

But as Christian people, especially as people who follow Jesus, we make decisions not based on how we feel, we make decisions based on who we are. I'm a follower of Jesus, right? I have been forgiven. And so as a forgiven person and a follower of Jesus, when I am hurt, what do I do? I forgive, not because I feel like it, but because this is who I am.

I don't, like, and you do stuff enough out of your identity, guess what? You begin to feel like it because doing it the other way would be a denial of my identity. Like all of a sudden, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I'm deciding to hold on to all of this unforgiveness and bitterness and pain towards other people. And guess what? Like, I don't, like it feels, I feel gross in my own skin now because that's not who I am. I have the Holy Spirit in me,

Right? And so we forgive as a decision to act out of our identity, not primarily our feelings. And this is consistent with the scripture, right? That we, that when Jesus says in Matthew chapter six, verses 14 and 15, we have it up here. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. It's really clear that Jesus connects.

Like our forgiveness of others with God's forgiveness of us. And it's a really clear and stark and typically very difficult question for people to wrestle with. Because the message has always been God forgives everything. Always. No matter what. God is a forgiving God.

And in one respect, yes, the scripture does describe God as forgiveness as a part of his character, right? Abounding in love and steadfast mercy.

But Jesus comes and says, like, yes, God is, God does forgive, but God forgives in the measure that we are willing to forgive others. Why it's not that God is holding our sin over top of us in like as a lever to try to get us to do something that we don't want to do it's not like a carrot that he's dangling, what Jesus I think is communicating here is like listen we know whether or not you have received forgiveness, if you have, if that, if that, if the reality of forgiveness has seeped down into your heart, we like, it's evident, that you are a forgiven person that you have reckoned with the immensity of your own sin. If you are able to forgive others. And if you're not able to forgive others, there is reason to believe that you do not understand the forgiveness of God in your life.

The Apostle Paul says this about forgiveness in Colossians chapter 2. He says, when you were dead in your sins, you were dead in your sins. Dead.

And the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive in Christ. Having forgiven us all of our trespasses by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands, this he set aside, nailing it to the cross.

So we forgive out of a place of identity, out of a decision to live into the identity that we have as sons and daughters of Christ.

But there are some really practical things that happen here when we consider, forgiveness in this way.

Perhaps like the most significant, not most significant, but the thing that I, run into a lot as a pastor in conversations with people and if I'm encouraging them to forgive, and seeing that unforgiveness is just like ripping a swath of bitterness through their life,

Is that like a really constant refrain is, well, if I forgive them of what they've done, then they won't, then they're not going to, then they're not going to know how much it's actually hurt me. Or they're not going to like, they need to experience some hurt and some consequences for the hurt that they've caused to me. And if I forgive them, It's like me saying, okay, you don't have to worry about that anymore. Like, it's not a big deal. Like, it's not a big deal at all. But I want you to hear something, and I want to walk through this with you for a minute because I do think it's important for us to kind of apprehend this idea. Forgiveness is not excusing what has been done or necessarily a removal of the consequences for what has been done.

We often think, well, if I forgive, then all of the consequences that have come, because of what has been done are now erased. No longer needing, no longer, they no longer apply, okay?

But I want you to hear this, is that because forgiveness is so deep, is so soul level, and because it represents the responsiveness of when we've been hurt, forgiveness actually, legitimizes how damaging the thing was that was done to you. It doesn't minimize it. It legitimizes it.

This thing was really significant. This thing hurt me very badly. This thing that you did, it injured me deeply. I am deeply affected and hurt by it.

And because I was, I will forgive you. It is not, well, because I have forgiven it, it means that it wasn't a big deal or it isn't a big deal. It's the exact opposite, actually.

It's like this was a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really big deal. And because it was such a big deal, the only way forward is forgiveness.

The only sometimes listen there are material consequences to acts of sinfulness do you know that if you steal,

Sin right and you get caught you will go to jail, sometimes there are material consequences to the sinful things that we do, not untrue in our marriages. Sometimes there are actual consequences to the words that we say,

To the things that we do, the actions that we take. Sometimes there's consequences of the things we don't do that we should have.

There are consequences, and sometimes they're very relational. Sometimes it's a break of trust. Sometimes it's like an inability to enter into true intimacy because of what has been done. There's this injury that has occurred. Forgiveness, listen, is not the pure and total assumption that these consequences should go away.

Forgiveness is primarily a spiritual transaction that clears, in a manner of speaking, clears our heart from the, eternal consequences of what we have done in sinning against God or sinning against one another.

Also, if there are consequences relationally within our marriage, consequences are not necessarily a person's like, well, you did this and now you have to work off your sin with this thing, this consequence that you have.

Like, because you did this, I've forgiven you, but there's still a consequence and you got to work that consequence off.

And maybe someday I'll let you back into my emotional world or I'll let you back into my physical world, or I'll start speaking to you kindly again listen we don't we don't work off, consequences consequences are not

Your sin has been handled fully and completely on the cross by Jesus Christ. You don't need to work a little bit more to earn the forgiveness in your marriages. Like, no, sin has been forgiven through Jesus on the cross. Your consequences are often an arm of God's discipline over your life to help change you and sanctify you and perfect you into his image. And while not all consequences are, are not all consequences come from the Lord. Sometimes they come from the state, right? While not all consequences from the Lord, all can be used to instruct in love and not necessarily punishment.

I think one of the greatest biblical examples of forgiveness, full forgiveness for an egregious sin, but still having to carry the weight of consequences one of the greatest examples is the life of david king david okay in second samuel chapter 12

The basic story here is that david king david saw a woman bathing on a rooftop, said she was beautiful and inquired about who this woman was, and had the woman brought to him. And it says that he slept with her. Now, this is a really kind of neutered way to describe it. Bathsheba, this woman's name, Bathsheba didn't really have a choice here, right? The king was calling her into his room and the king had decided, King David had decided in his mind that he was going to sleep with this woman, right? And so this wasn't just like a casual sexual encounter outside of the bonds of marriage. Bathsheba was raped by David.

And, and, and what happened was she got pregnant, and, and so David tried to get Bathsheba's husband to come from the, from battle, from the front lines of battle and sleep with her really quick. So he could cover up, you know, who the father was and your eyes like, I'm not, I'm not going to go home to my wife while my troops are all out of battle. I'll sleep on my doorstep. And so he did.

And then David was like, oh, shoot, I really got to cover this whole thing up. And so he called to the battle commander and he was like, I want you to put Uriah at the front lines where the battle is the fiercest. And when he goes to step forward, I want you all to step back. So he gets killed. Then,

It's all covered up, essentially. And, and what happens is Nathan, the prophet Nathan confronts David about this.

And he says this in Samuel chapter or second Samuel chapter 12, verses 10 through 14,

Says in light of what you've done, now, therefore, here, you're going to hear, you're going to hear consequences. Then you're going to hear the, the confirmation of forgiveness. And then you're going to hear consequences again. Okay. Now, therefore the sword, David shall never depart from your house because you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah, the Hittite to be your wife. Thus says the Lord, behold, I will raise up evil against you out of your own house. And I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor. And he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this son. For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel and before the sun.

David said to Nathan, I have sinned against the Lord. And Nathan said to David, the Lord also has put away your sin. You shall not die.

So like Nathan outlines the consequences that David is going to experience because of what he's done. Like his house is going to be torn apart basically and not his, the structural home, but like his relationship with his sons,

With his, with his children and grandchildren, right? That there will always be a sword in his house is how Nathan says it. And David understanding the weight of his sin is like I have sinned against the Lord and Nathan's like, your your sin has been put away from you by the Lord the Lord has forgiven you of your sin and you will not die, right but nevertheless he says in verse 14 because by this deed you have utterly scorned the Lord the child who was born to you shall die and then Nathan went to his house And so.

There's this really significant example of how, yes, forgiveness is offered, consequences often still remain.

This becomes, I think, particularly expressive or, complicated, complex. Actually, it's not very complex. It's pretty simple. When it comes to close relationships, marriages, especially where there is abuse, where there's abuse somewhere in the relationship, abuse against one another, from one party to the other. And the, the question of, well, like, how am I to live in this relationship in the light of an identity of one who has been forgiven? But I like I'm experiencing regular abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, whatever it would be. I'm experiencing regular abuse what do I do and I want to be really really really clear about my position on this, right in like no uncertain terms okay you are not required to remain in a relationship even a marriage where you are enduring abuse.

It will never be, it should never be tolerated. There is no rationalization for it. There is no explanation for it. It is not acceptable under any circumstance whatsoever, no matter who it is and what, there are not lesser forms of abuse. Oh, they don't hit me, right?

But they just verbally assault me every day. Nah, just as bad. Okay. You are not, you are not required to remain in a relationship, even a marriage where you are enduring abuse.

But I will also say this, If you want to be free of the pain, the control, and the damage of abuse internally, forgiveness must be a commitment that you make.

There's no requirement that you stay within the relationship. But if forgiveness is not a commitment that you make in light of what has happened to you, no matter how significant, it will become very difficult to live outside of that pain, to live outside of what has happened to you, that control, that damage, that pain.

Because there are things that forgiveness is not, you know, like forgiveness is not having no boundaries whatsoever, right? Forgiveness is not always the immediate return of trust between two people. Sometimes there can be forgiveness in a relationship, but trust never returns or the type of trust that existed before, right? That is a reality.

So another question that sometimes come up comes up is like well what what happens when do I communicate to someone about for like that I've forgiven them.

And, this is, I have two answers for this. Number one is like, it depends on who has hurt you. Okay.

It depends on who has hurt you. There's a, I think there's a, there is a, there is wisdom in the difference in how I communicate forgiveness, with my wife and I, than it would be for like all those, just my example today. If it was like Aldo and I, okay? So like the responsibility that I have to communicate forgiveness or pursue forgiveness is a little bit different because I live in covenant relationship with my wife,

And I don't live in covenant relationship with Aldo, right? So like we have to, there are different ways.

There are different intensities, I guess. So I will say this. In any relationship where there has been hurt or sin or injury, any relationship, no matter how intimate and close it is or it isn't, the first pursuit of our heart is vertical forgiveness.

What do I mean by that? Like not forgiveness necessarily between me and God, right?

But an expression, if forgiveness is the decision that I'm making to release that person from the debt that they incurred when they injured me, then the first thing that I need to do is take that hurt to the Lord.

The very first thing that I need to do is like, before communicating it to either, to whoever on the horizontal plane, the first thing that happens is I go to the lord lord I forgive them,

For what they have done please help me to live from that place of freedom and let me return to forgiveness anytime that I see bitterness rising up in me.

Lord, Sherry has done this thing. Aldo has done this thing. They've said this. They've done this. They've not done this. Like, I am so hurt. Lord, I forgive them for what they have done. Please, like, settle that truth into my heart.

I forgive them. Now, do I communicate that forgiveness to them? That's the question. And I would say it depends upon the relationship. My relationship with Aldo, I do not have a horizontal responsibility to him.

So there is like, I have a vertical responsibility to the Lord, Lord, release my heart from what Aldo did. I can live a life and a heart in love for him, and in, but with boundaries.

And because if I just go up to Aldo and be like, Aldo, I'm not sure. I just want to let you know I forgive you.

And Aldo's like. For what? Has there been a recognition of sin in that relationship? No, not necessarily. And I don't know Aldo's heart and what even my... Because let's just admit, everyone, right like my expression of forgiveness to aldo unsolicited can very easily be passive aggressive, right hey I forgive you we're cool don't worry about it and I was like I don't know what you're, talking but it becomes like this power move right like I know something you don't but don't worry I forgive you for that thing,

And we don't actually give him the heart space to respond in a way that honors God. When someone comes at me passive-aggressively, I get aggressive-aggressive, okay? Right?

And so, and that's kind of like most people's response. And so, if I want to create an environment where all those heart can be, where we can have a conversation of, redeeming quality, God honoring and glorifying, like forgiveness and rebuilding that I may just need to continue to pursue my horizontal, my vertical forgiveness of him until the Lord impresses upon his heart. Hey, I think like, this is what you did and what you said was not right, you need to go to Cameron.

And that can become a part of my prayer if this is a relationship that I truly value, which it is.

Lord, Aldo has hurt me so bad. Like, give me either the words or the heart or the opportunity to express to him in a loving way what has happened so that,

Our relationship may be mended and brought back together. Now, but there requires patience here.

Because we have an enemy who wants to use every single thing he possibly can to destroy our marriages, I do not recommend or think it is a wise idea to wait until your spouse thinks that they've hurt you before you tell them that they've hurt you.

Well, I'm just, you know, if he cared, he would. What are you talking about? Like, well, if they don't know that they've hurt me by now, then that's their fault. Not an effective communication strategy right number one and they probably haven't told you because there have been instances before where they've told you and you've acted like that.

Okay and so when we when we have when there is like injury or sin done in the covenant relationship, the enemy sees that as like oh yes like here's a little spot where I can take a wedge and like drive it down in between them. And what a pursuit of forgiveness, even over really small, seemingly insignificant things does, the pursuit of the forgiveness immediately plucks out that seed that the enemy wants to plant. But nope.

Forgiveness is the thing that destroys the dividing wedges of the enemy between two people, especially a husband and wife.

And so we forgive even in the small things regularly so that they don't grow up to be big things in the future.

I kind of don't like your tone. It made me feel a certain way when you said that thing, like you said it.

And what is almost always true? I guess, I don't know what's always true in your house, but like what's almost always true in conversations like that in mine, it's like, oh, I, I am so sorry.

Like I, it, it sounded differently in my head than how it sounded when it hit your ears. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Yes, I will forgive you. Okay, great.

And then do we live do we relive that moment do we review it do we come back to it, no because forgiveness is a release like the debt's canceled like we're not coming back to that again we've made we're making a decision here,

One more thing like well pastor I don't think you understand how deeply the thing that they've done has hurt me I don't think you understand how big it is,

How significant it is how extraordinary it is how much pain it's caused in my life I'm not going to do it to michael because he's up there running the slides but the last time I preached on this very point I brought michael up on the stage remember this? Who remembers this moment? Okay. So a few of you, I brought Michael up on the stage and I picked him up and I put him on my shoulders and I walked around for a few minutes, just talking about this point here, about how, yeah, like, yeah, like you don't understand this thing that they've done is so big and so heavy that, I can't forgive them for it. And what happens is that without even realizing it,

We become a glutton for punishment with that thing that's been done to us because we are actively saying, I refuse, to accept the spiritual balm of healing.

That is necessary for this hurt and pain to be healed. Instead of being healed by it I'm just going to carry it and the reason I'm going to carry it is because it's so big and that makes no sense.

In fact, the bigger the offense, the quicker we should run to forgiveness, knowing the crushing weight of what those things can do carried over time.

We need to run to the place of forgiveness, knowing that if we don't, we may be crushed under the weight of what's been done before we even have an opportunity to respond. Forgiveness is the spiritual balm that brings healing to deep wounds.

Okay. So I want to go through, real quick. One, two, three, four, five, six points. Okay. Six points that bring up the, the, the number one, the, the number one thing, first thing that needs to be done is that we need to make a vertical decision of forgiveness, right? Like, Lord, they have hurt me by what they have done. They have injured, like they, what they've said, like I'm carrying this deep wound, right? Lord, I forgive them. Would you, would you please continue to work in my heart to make like the forgiveness that I have received from you be something that I can extend to them? Like, would you, would you purify my heart, take away my bitterness, protect me against anger? Lord, it starts here. Lord, I need to I forgive this person, I want to forgive them. Help me, Lord, I need your supernatural empowerment, the grace of your Holy Spirit to do this in me. I can't do it on my own. Lord, please help me to forgive them.

First, immediate, okay? As close as you can get to the moment of injury. I forgive them. The second thing that we do is then now we make horizontal action.

In the relationship, horizontal action with someone I don't have covenant relationship with, for me, it looks a lot like, Lord, would you press upon their heart or would you allow an opportunity for me to express my hurt in a way that is not passive aggressive, but that can truly mend the relationship? Or in the case of your covenant relationships, your wife, your kids, like it's like no we don't wait we go right away we do not give the enemy a foothold we do not let him plant a seed of bitterness we take horizontal action in our relationships as quickly as possibly can, now how what what happens now okay I have forgiven them like we've we've done the vertical forgiveness, and then we've done the horizontal forgiveness, and then now what does it automatically just go away.

Sometimes I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you sometimes it does a lot of times it doesn't, the first time and so we have to like do you know that you have to actually like work out your faith,

You know like that requires your active participation to do daily the things that express faith in Jesus. And one of those things that you have to do in light of forgiveness is you have to make some decisions about how you're going to live in light of your forgiveness of a person. One of the first things you need to do is you need to not bring it up to them again.

If you're continuing to return to it and using it as a weapon in future arguments or fights, guess what you have not done? For giving them for it.

Because you know where my sin is in relation to God? It's at the bottom of the depths of the sea. It's as far as the east is from the west, right? I have been cleansed and made white. I am no longer red through the penalty and power of sin.

Like, God has separated me from my sin as far as the east is from the west. So I'm not going to keep her sin in my pocket so I can use it again.

So I'm not bringing it up to them. Number two is I'm not bringing it up to others,

Like I mean I forgive I forgave them about that but let me just tell you, let me relive this moment okay let me let me let me talk about this a little bit more so I'm not bringing it up to them I'm not bringing it up to others, the most difficult one is what I'm not gonna bring it up to myself,

I'm not bringing it up to myself because what do I like to do man I like to walk back and just stew, and all the things that have been done and all the things that have been said and I can go and I can sit in that little I mean man I can argue in the shower with that person for when all the arguments right.

And I can do that day after day after day after day after day after day after day Hey, listen, that's poison in your soul. Okay, really hard, really difficult to have a gentle spirit with someone if you're arguing with them, if you're continuing to relive that. So I don't bring it up to myself. Now, when I fail in the horizontal action, meaning I don't bring it up to them, I don't bring it up to others, and I don't bring it up to myself, then I return to the moment of vertical decision or prayer.

Like, Lord, I find myself just like, here I am again, just reliving that moment of pain and hurt, stewing in it again. Father, I have made a commitment to forgive this person. Would you please do in me again? Like, I forgive them, Lord. Release me from the power of this pain. Lord, you find yourself talking to others about it. Come back to prayer. Lord, change my heart. I forgive that person for what they have done. Help me understand your forgiveness and my forgiveness of them.

Let me pray for you and pray for us. And then we'll enter back into worship. Lord, we thank you for this time together this morning. This time where we can consider the depth of the nature of forgiveness.

Lord, I'm just reminded of so many times in places that I have hurt others, so many times in places where I have been hurt by others. And Father, above all other things, we're asking, Lord, for your supernatural empowerment through your Holy Spirit, to be people who receive forgiveness well and to be people who pursue forgiveness well. Lord, we submit ourselves to you in Jesus' name. Amen.